Dr. John Gottman, leading marriage and parenting researcher, has conducted over 40 years of work with thousands of couples. His work on marital stability has revealed a short list that we can call the John Gottman's 6 Signs of Divorce.
Certainly, getting married and taking your relationship to a new level is sure to bring a more complex set of expectations for our partner and for ourselves. When horomonal changes test communication and anxieties about growing your family by introducing a new baby into the world, it may be helpful to keep in mind these 6 Signs of Divorce as a "Don't Do" guide. Most certainly, every marriage has ups and downs. So if you find yourself settling into bad relationship habits, you can feel confident in referring to this list to guide your behavior back to more positive interactions.
1) Startup - The way you START a conversation, is the way your conversation will most likely end. If you're trying to bring up a difficult subject for discussion, try starting it in a positive way rather than starting the conversation with a criticism or with a negative comment.
2) 4 C's - Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, Stonewalling. Usually, these 4 attitudes and behaviors will come hand in hand. But, even if you find yourself feeling or engaging in one of these behaviors, it may be a good idea to take some time and reevaluate the root of your feelings. (Criticism is attacking the person rather than the problem.) (Contempt is expressing disgust of the other person.) (Defensiveness is turning blame on the other person while shining light on yourself.) (Stonewalling is tuning the other person out and failing to acknowledge or respond to them.)
3) Flooding - If the relationship communication is no longer productive, one or more person may feel a flood of helpless helplessness due to feelings of negativity and inability to find solutions. This will never produce a happy marriage or promote your relationship.
4) Body Language - This is so important in maintaining intimacy in relationships. When your partner speaks to you, turn your body toward them! Look them in the eyes! When you use good body language by actually stopping your current activities to listen to your partner, the communication will feel and BE so much deeper than just communicating in passing. On the flip side, be sure to monitor these other, negative signs that your body language needs some improvement during an argument or discussion: increased heart rate, increased blood pressure, perspiration, secretion of adrenaline & the feeling of "fight or flight" (feelings that you have to argue or leave the conversation immediately with the inability to de-escalate the situation).
5) Failed Repair Attempts - When you and your partner repeatedly attempt to solve a particular problem and a solution is not reached, this sets a no-comprimise habit in the relationship that can be very dangerous to the marriage and very difficult to break. Be sure to avoid the "I'm always right" or "My way or the highway" types of feelings.
6) Bad Memories - Do you know couples that, when reflecting on their relationship, they can never remember when they were "happy and in love"? It's very important to create happy memories each and every day - go on vacations, take special times to talk on the phone on your lunch break, write love notes and do little things that show caring and love such as back rubs and breakfast in bed.
